Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
those birds must be on payroll
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe