I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
#dnd #ttrpg
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family