Choose your fighter
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”