I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself