*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year