When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
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Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC