My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.