So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*