My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.