Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
They’re not wrong
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Why soy sad?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”