Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
How I like cutting carbs
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.