I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.