i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
mood
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent