Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP