jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse