Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”