Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
You Might Also Like
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.