I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does