Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My last name is Zilla.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.