And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle