90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
You Might Also Like
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My wife gives the best headache.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.