[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke