me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog