Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.