The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
You Might Also Like
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.