“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Woke up against my better judgement again
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
X-tra spooky blend
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog