found my next D&D character name
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there