me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.