😂💯
You Might Also Like
Ghost costume 😂
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.