People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.