Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
*puts my mental health in rice
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
c’mon!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.