ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.