[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
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Ooooooh.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now