Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
sin harder.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.