My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Bringing home a sharpie
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
This is I, Robot all over again
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
We’ve all been there
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
God has abandoned us.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.