Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.