The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.