M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Great game to play with friends
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
How to draw a duck
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.