On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Camping tip: No.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
what are they serving at kfc then???