Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
You Might Also Like
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.