Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)