Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.