Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.