me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I have a type: disappointing