Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
This is my favorite one of these!
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
that wasn’t the question
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.