I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I’m not alone. I have ants.
There’s never enough good news
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening