doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you