He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
You Might Also Like
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My Plans 2020
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven