[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.