My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
when someone rings the doorbell
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough